This was originally submitted to the Osgoode student newspaper “Obiter dicta” as a response to this article, but was rejected because I wouldn’t post it under my own name (And maybe ‘cuz of the swearing). I didn’t want to submit it under my name because I didn’t want it machine searchable and helpfully indexed for potential employers (behold: chilled speech at work). Instead I published it here, among my other worthless and narcissistic rambling opinions hidden by pseudonym and 1 or 2 degrees of separation.
I was thrilled (THRILLED!) to open the latest edition of Vanity Fair, or as we call it here, “Obiter Dicta” and learn that all along I’ve been justified in my derision of York U. After all, as attendees of Canada’s Academy of the Liberal Elite, we carry a heavy burden: to ensure that we distinguish ourselves from those to whom we are superior.
When I walk through the hallowed Gowlings Hall, through a building with more sponsorships than a North American Stock Car, it is obvious that Osgoode Hall ™ is more than just a brand name adopted for the prestige that it carries. It isn’t just intellectual property representative of a goodwill that can be capitalized to justify an extra $10k in tuition annually. No: we are different, we are better, we are elite.
And it is this savvy worldliness that confirms our deepest certainty that York’s response to the on-going goings-on are not the guidance of some lawyer (pronounced the way it’s spelt: liar) concerned with liabilities (or is it liar-abilities?), but are the result of the simple truth of the inferiority of the working-class York who — let’s all remind ourselves — we are not. Osgoode would never treat us like that, it would never gloss over, polish, or perfect a message to the public. There is no articling crisis and you’ll totes get a job to pay off your debts, you guys.
Whether it’s sitting through a moving, human, ceremony capped off with a few masturbatory platitudes by our student reps explaining how awesome they (the reps) are for having, like, feelings and shit, or if it’s listening to judges and lawyers explain that Access to Justice is defined to be the same system that we already have, only with more billable hours, we are confident our school is better than York. When we look forward at our glorious future as Stepford Wives on Bay Street, we can be confident those chumps studying nursing, or (snicker) science, will never do anything as meaningful as we. This is *our* time, bitches.
When I look around at my colleagues in their drug-adderalled haze as they chemically claw their way a notch or two ahead on the bell-curve, I know they are already “Thinking like a lawyer.” They know their behavior is reasonably distinguished by the reasonable prescriptions that they reasonably abuse, reasonably different from the recreational drugs abused by students at York. And we also know, just as we know the Oxford Comma is a lie, that if we say “reasonable” often enough it becomes true.
It is reasonable to presume that we are better than York because our tuition is higher, and our school is named after a building with which we are only barely associated. To call it hype would be unreasonable, because if it were mere hype then the $50k it cost me to learn that (a) the Common-Law is a hack on English-speaking humanity; (b) Equity is a bad joke that no-one has picked up on; and (c) all lists come in threes, would have been completely wasted. To say this was some sunk cost fallacy, or some confirmation bias, would be insulting. To York. To whom we are superior.
So I am glad that finally (FINALLY!) someone has clarified, explained, and rationalized why we are so much better than York. I was worried that was a side effect of my entitlement, or just because I’m so much more superior to undergrads. Yeah, that seems reasonable.